It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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