I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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