This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
