I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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