And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
