Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
40s are totally the cure
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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