brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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