After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
