Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I skipped work to stalk him.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
