Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
