I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
