Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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