You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
