I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I had to cum in my sink.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
