Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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