I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
