That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
