You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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