I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well I just put wine in my tea
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
