dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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