I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.