Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
