You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.