i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Randomize
