I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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