Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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