This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
