Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
