I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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