Have you finally orgasmed yet?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
