she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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