Texts From Last Night

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  (513): View more from Ohio

  I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash

  (1-513): View more from Ohio

  GO. BACK. NOW.

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  (513): I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash (1-513): GO. BACK. NOW. http://tfl.nu/zc24
  Replies (42) Good night (6441) Bad night (553) Order T-Shirt
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  (775): View more from Nevada

  Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.

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  (775): Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket. http://tfl.nu/kdwl
  Replies (11) Good night (3520) Bad night (1111) Order T-Shirt
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  (270): View more from Kentucky

  Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?

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  (270): Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house? http://tfl.nu/tnd3
  Replies (30) Good night (9072) Bad night (533) Order T-Shirt
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  (732): View more from New Jersey

  I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.

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  (732): I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something. http://tfl.nu/rxn8
  Replies (22) Good night (4029) Bad night (1401) Order T-Shirt
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  (512): View more from Texas

  I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.

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  (512): I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two. http://tfl.nu/pdyq
  Replies (10) Good night (944) Bad night (3572) Order T-Shirt
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  (208): View more from Idaho

  I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.

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  (208): I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants. http://tfl.nu/k57a
  Replies (21) Good night (1163) Bad night (5132) Order T-Shirt
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  (724): View more from Pennsylvania

  Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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  (724): Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks. http://tfl.nu/a8rg
  Replies (19) Good night (3660) Bad night (1185) Order T-Shirt
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  (949): View more from California

  Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter

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  (949): Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter http://tfl.nu/gh1h
  Replies (7) Good night (746) Bad night (1464) Order T-Shirt
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  (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.

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  (+44): I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are. http://tfl.nu/uo40
  Replies (3) Good night (1430) Bad night (643) Order T-Shirt
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  (603): View more from New Hampshire

  You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.

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  (603): You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win. http://tfl.nu/zmbp
  Replies (3) Good night (1007) Bad night (382) Order T-Shirt
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  (720): View more from Colorado

  I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"

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  (720): I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned" http://tfl.nu/ppef
  Replies (4) Good night (1188) Bad night (649) Order T-Shirt
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  (479): View more from Arkansas

  I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.

  (870): View more from Arkansas

  Birthday success

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  (479): I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick. (870): Birthday success http://tfl.nu/9sf8
  Replies (4) Good night (1263) Bad night (431)
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  (256): View more from Alabama

  I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership

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  (256): I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership http://tfl.nu/f2mt
  Replies (7) Good night (880) Bad night (359) Order T-Shirt
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  (646): View more from New York

  Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name

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  (646): Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name http://tfl.nu/j3ir
  Replies (5) Good night (336) Bad night (613) Order T-Shirt
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  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory

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  (401): After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory http://tfl.nu/d8ep
  Replies (2) Good night (388) Bad night (498) Order T-Shirt

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