So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
19 People Did The Wildest Things When They Were Black-Out Drunk
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
21 Signs That A Dude is Probably Insane
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way