i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
