Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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