So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Randomize
