Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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