I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
