i'm signing you up for texting rehab
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
love makes seman taste better
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
