On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
