Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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