My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
