I swear she didn't look like that last week.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Randomize
