i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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