I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's rum buckets o'clock
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
