And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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