I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
