I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
