Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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