Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
