I will die if light touches me.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that