I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.