Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Randomize
