There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
