I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
you inspire me to be a worse person
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Randomize
