dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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