I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
