There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
