He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize